Racism, Adoption, and Towels

Here be my thoughts tonight. They are long. They are about racism and adoption. These subjects are not right for everyone. If you are one of those people, you should probably read this.

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Today at the Wild Animal Park a little boy, a black boy, saw Divina and me, and said to me "Why is your baby black?" Ah, ha! My answer was ready. I said "Because we adopted her." His expression told me that he had no clue what that meant. So I knelt down to his level and said "I couldn't make a baby so another lady made her for me. Wasn't that nice?" He considered for a second, then smiled, and said "Yeah!"

I notice that white people don't like to say "black". When they say it, it's hushed. Like, they are making a sentence in a perfectly normal tone, then when the word "black" comes along, it's all quick and quiet, as if they don't want to be heard saying the word. Some people fear the word so much that they hush the word even when they aren't talking about people. "Could you please hand me the *black* towel?" Why is that? I'll tell you why. Are you ready? It's because they are aware that if they are heard saying it, every word thereafter will be listened to and scrutinized very closely. So closely, that the listener will begin to read between the lines in search of any racist undertones. That's the curse of being white. People assume that you are racist. And don't try to argue against it. The more you argue, they more you'll loose. So just throw in the towel, white people. There is no need to whisper "black". Just shout it like everyone else.

I like black people. Always have. Even as a kid. Couldn't keep my eyes off them. I like the chocolately warmth of their skin. I like the deep richness of their dark eyes. I like the bouncy, kinky, curliness of their hair. I like the sweet muskiness of their smell (that's hair product, by the way). I like the roundness of their features. I like R&B, southern Gospel, hip hop, and the Alvin Aley dance theatre. Don't like collard greens. Yet not all black people are dark or nappy headed or musky. But that's another thing I like about them. There is such diversity in what black means. Such beauty.

Then again, who's to say what black is, or what race is, for that matter? You could take some people from all over the world and line them up, skin tone by skin tone, and make a continuous spectrum with no definite breaks between the races. Could this be done with hair color or texture? What about facial features? Regardless, I think most people would situate them in a line, with the lightest at one end and the darkest at the other end. From one person to another, the blend in evident, but from one end to the other end, not so "blendy". You could make a circle of them, too. Still one would have to cross the circle for the darkest and the lightest to meet. This is where Divina and I find ourselves. We have crossed. This is why people, like little boys, know that we are not biologically related as mother and daughter.

This raises the question of the heart. Could you line people up and measure them by their hearts or spirits or intentions or love? Could you listen to someone talk about towels and tell what they think about race? I used to be one to argue that race does not exist. "It's an imaginary excuse for separating oneself (or group) from others." Now I know that it is very real. The adoption process and life has taught me that. It's why people would wait years and years for a caucasian baby while black babies are considered "hard to place." Most people want a baby of their own race, or that might pass as their biological child. Even brown babies (Asian, South American) are more acceptable than African American babies for white parents. The chasmical jump is not so large. They don't want the adoptive nature of their family to be noticeable. White people don't like to be noticed as white people. That's why they whisper "black", which, ironically, draws more attention to them anyway.

Here, one might conclude that I advocate adoption of black babies over any other, or that I look down on families who choose to adopt internationally or within their own race. All children deserve families. Families who choose to adopt need to look deeply at their own feelings about race, the importance of genetic heritage, and willingness to embrace a culture other than their native one. Transracial adoption is not right for everyone. No one should adopt transracially on principle alone. What I mean to advocate is the option. A lot of people don't know about the need, in this country, for families to adopt African American kids. A lot of people don't know about the need for people to cross the circle.

It seems to me that there are as many kinds of racism as there are people. It can be as hateful as that promoted by the KKK. It can be as helpful as just acknowledging ethnic identity, which isn't completely racial but cultural as well. Denying that race is not a factor in how people treat each other or who they choose to associate with is just whispering "black" when black people are around. It's proof enough that you are aware of it's existence. Awareness is the first step to healing any wound. One must be aware of the friend to shake their hand.

Can race really be defined or relied on? I don't know. I don't know how to end racism. All I know how to do is speak from my heart.