This is about a dream I had a few days ago...scroll down to find the entry.
Lately, the last month or so, I have been prone to irritablity with Divina. My voice is sharper than usual and I'm just not tolerating any crap from her. Like delaying nap with silly requests and hitting. Her hitting us is getting worse. It's extremely frustrating. She's actually gotten better about that with other kids since starting school again. Perhaps she has a hit quota for the day, she's got to hit someone. ha. Well, a couple of times I forgot myself and sort of hit her back. About a week ago I slapped her, but there have been...I guess...five times that I sort of wacked her bottom or hand. This doesn't phase her much as I don't do it very hard. The slap made her cry, but only for a minute. I appologized right after and explained that I was tired and frustrated and I shouldn't have done that. There was a lot of making up. So I've been giving a lot of thought about where this anger is coming from. My mom was very liberal with us and did not use spanking or hitting as punishment. My dad didn't live with us and was also a gentle parent. I think the fire door holds a key to the source of my...violence?...I guess you could call it that. Relatively speaking, it's not much, but I find it personally unacceptable. There must be a way to calm myself again. I don't think the fire door represents a childhood event, but my own inner threshold for self control. How to cure the door or put out the fire seems to be the question at hand.
Monday, August 14, 2006
More thought on the Fire Door dream
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2 comments:
Hmm.. you know, I read the initial post with the dream and being the person that I am I have since been trying to interpret but keep coming up empty as I have had a few disturbing dreams recently.
Well if it makes you feel any better and it probably won't, last week Christopher picked up one of his Mega Bloks, looked me straight in the face, and threw it at me with such force. He was angry. It really really hurt. I had no time to think about my hand going towards him, I think it was just a reflex and I hit him right back. What caused this? I had told him not to push his sister.
I do spank him, not hard though, nothing like what my dad used to give us. (My mom ner spanked us) I've smacked his hand when he pushes his sister and I've smacked his leg when he kicks her. (Is that considered spanking?) I immediately tell him that is not allowed and tell him to say sorry because that hurts the baby. He doesn't cry, in fact he laughs, that's what he thinks of me. Mommy's a big joke! But I know he doesn't like it because it is usually accompanied by time-out in his room or sometimes I take away his matchbox cars which he worships, until he says sorry. Let's say that apology comes real quick with a hug and kiss. He's added this recently. It has been working so far.
Anyway, enough about me. Maybe it's because Mark is away. Christopher starts to change into someone elses child when he doesn't see daddy enough. I've learned this a few weeks ago when my husband was super busy. He started getting up all hours in the morning like 2 or 5 am crying and saying he wants to come in our bed. That was a tough time.
The thing that I am really worried about is making him understand that it is not okay to hit the baby. But how can I tell him not to do it when I have smacked him on his foot and hand? It would be very confusing to a toddler.
Sorry, geez I didn't realize this comment was so darn long. Hahaha it's a separate post in itself!
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