Words

Copied this from an email sent me (Hi Sarah!). Hope you like it, too:

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.) appalled over how much weight
you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a
flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.) to attempt an explanation while
drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.) impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.) describes a condition in which
you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you
up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.) the formal, digni fied bearing
adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.) a person who sprinkles his
conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) (back by popular demand):
The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto
the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) an opening in the front of boxer
shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding , subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The
bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.

2. Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an
indefinite period.
3. Giraffiti (n) Vandalism spray-painted very, very
high.

4. Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of
sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

5. Inoculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when
you are running late.

6. Hipatitis (n) Terminal coolness.

7. Osteopornosis (n) A degenerate disease. (This one
got extra credi t.)

8. Karmageddon (n) It's like, when everybody is
sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And
then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

9. Decafalon (n.) The grueling event of getting
through the day consuming only things that are good
for you.

10. Glibido (v) All talk and no action.

11. Dopelar effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas
to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

12. Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance
performed just after you've accidentally walked
through a spider web.

13. Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

14. Caterpallor (n.) The color you turn after finding
half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an
ass.