Seek

The difference between Mark and me is that we don't live in the same time. He often comments that he doesn't feel at home at a place for months after we have lived there, which has happened several times since we've known eachother. Whereas, I settle right in the first few days of a new place. This, I think, is because Mark does not live in the present. He is seldom present in the present momment. He worries insceasantly about the future and holds onto memories of the past. We haven't lived here long enough for him to have memories, so he can't enjoy it. He can only worry about the future. I am always savoring whats going on right now, so I'm happy where ever I might be at the momment. The problem with my approach is that I don't plan for the future well and tend to forget things too quickly...the source of my memory problem, no doubt.

A few days after we arrived here I had a terrible dream. It's taken me this long to tell Mark about it. Actually, I tried to tell him but I couldn't "speak" it. It was that strange. When I woke from this dream my heart was beating fast and I was unnerved for several days. Here's what happened in the dream: We arrived at our new house (not actually this one but the house that was supposed to be our new house). We decided to tear down a wall and while pulling down the drywall a dead body was revealed. It was my ex-husband. I suddenly recalled that I killed him and hid his body in the wall. I was so paniced about what to do, that my terrible secret was revealed, and I felt bad about forgetting about it. Then I woke up.

Gasp. I believe this was a reaction to memories flooding back to me as brought by returning to places that I haven't seen or thought about for years. What ghosts from my past will haunt me now that my family has returned to this place? Its so strange that I had such a wild life before marrying Mark, but I don't recall the details. I just put them out of my mind when we moved to Connecticut. I was a person I didn't want to be and I've become someone else. I'm afraid of people returning to my life that I may have hurt or forgotten about. (Many people know that my first marriage ended while another man was in my life. That's one of several skeletons that hang out in my living room. I don't keep them in the closet.)

Sometimes it's good to live a spiritual life. I began learning about the dharma after my divorce, a very dark time for me. I was extremely depressed. Extremely. I learned about emptying my mind of expectations and attachements, to live in the present momment. I just let things onfold before me and I experience it without judgement. But I emptied my memory, too. It can be a very peaceful way to live, but it can be a way to hide, too. Ready or not, here they come.